“Nothing is as good as it used to be”, landmark study reports.

In a landmark interdisciplinary effort from researchers at the University of Maryland, contributing historians, sociological researchers, psychologists, and cultural anthropologists have determined that as of 1994, nothing is in fact as good as it used to be.

While folk wisdom has long concluded that “the good old days” have come and gone, the team and UofM, led by anthropologist Nas Taljik have confirmed that, after the release of Quentin Tarantino’s 1994 post-noir crimedy “Pulp Fiction”, all forms matter, socio-cultural meme, and subjective reports of satisfaction “just really fucking sucks”.

“We were hesitant at the outset to strive for such an ambitious result, as the modern age having acclimatized people to a higher standard of expectation might account for some skewing in the results. Things that might not be so bad these days, like the music, could be under-appreciated by a spoiled ear,” related Dr. Taljik.

To account for this potential, samples were drawn from a broad spectrum of age categories, nationalities, income levels, health conditions, and geographic locations. Despite implementation difficulties in some phases of the research, the reports -along with historical reviews of the quality of material and social cultures for long-term trend analysis, researchers managed to place the golden age sometime between time immemorial (6 July 1189) and before the creation of the universe. It was found however, that an astounding 97.2% of all respondents agreed with the statement “It’s just not the same as it was before”, and even relatively new arenas of life, such as the internet, have suffered from becoming milquetoast, mainstream, overly commercialized or commodified, and otherwise just shitty. Even the music, it is was determined, hasn’t survived unscathed, peaking in about the year 1977 with only brief jumps in the 1990s before it’s death knell upon the release of Rebecca Black’s “Friday”.

Some confusion arose in the poorer nations regarding the questionnaire phrase “nothing is as good as it used to be”, with some poorer nations understanding this to be an attempt as the justification of their disadvantage by the wealthy study-conducting Americans.

“Yes, the Indian government reps in particular was quite incensed at the outset” field analyst Les Gobahk told us, “but once the semantic issue was cleared up, they sent us long letter about Baba Ghandi and the recent repealing of homosexual-tolerant laws in the country. ‘It blows so hard’ they lamented”.

Douglas Adams intuited these findings in the opening of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” However, we can’t go back now, and researchers at UofM recommend that “we all just suck it up, cause chances are shit’s going to get way worst before anything improves”.

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